Avant Garde. Cowardice. Angel.

A few days ago it was revealed that somebody on fb thought of me as being avant garde,just from my posts on the social site of choice. Then we met. And Im still waiting to hear what is thought of me now. I think I rather like being thought of in that way, but Im not sure I am.

Also today, I was complemented on my previous blog and was then told off for being suspicious of compliments. I wonder if this mind set is linked to the avant garde-ness? I mean, what if I am of the Avant Garde but dont know it? Maybe this is why my art doesnt sell? Im ahead of my time? Hmm, somehow I doubt that. But then, would one say of oneself, “I am avant garde”? Not sure you would. We dont recognise these qualities in ourselves because we are so busy trying to be US, and that is often a fulltime job, in my experience.

Ive been trying to find the real me for most of my 58 years, and I think I may have just about found me. Im hoping so anyway. Ive thought this before and then realised I was mistaken. In the past Ive been a politician, a church leader, a trade unionist, a transvestite (keep that bit quiet), a poet, a writer, and an artist. Im thinking I may be an artist, even though I dont sell (at the moment), and Im proving Im a writer right here, even though I dont sell (at the moment) any of my stories, but perhaps more importantly, Im now getting confident enough to do what Ive always wanted to do, been so jealous of women and scotsmen over, and got confused about during the tv times , namely wear unbifurcated garments. The inner calm over this is enormous and says Im right. Im now , very almost, ME. But it also brings regrets that this could not have been achieved sooner. However, experience is what Ive gained, plus insights into my own psyche that will drive me forward positively and then, if Im right, freed from the weight of the shoulder chip, my art and my words will start selling, and other creative business ideas will bear fruit and finally my life will kick start into the life I always felt I should have had.

But this all hinges on me not being cowardly at home. Everyone on fb knows about what Im doing, the journey Im traveling, but not those at home. Ive hinted, Ive demonstrated. But I havent been totally honest. I know why. Two reasons; 1/ how will my kids, now adults, react? If the students at Leicester College are anything to go by, they probably wont react badly, if at all and 2/ the tv times; prevalent in early married years so she might assume its just this rearing up again, which it isnt. I will find a way to progress. And Im promising myself it will be this Wednesday, but who knows.

Being a coward…………………the last stressful thing in my life. Then its heaven on earth. And then if God still wants, I will get back to being that apprentice angel he seems to have designs on.

Love all, hurt none, and walk in soft shoes

Isi Tart


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