Dis – ease;

Steve B. Robinson

The disease statement.

Disease. A state of being unbalanced, ill at ease, uncomfortable, literally, dis ease.

Have you ever felt that there was something about you that wasn’t right? Have you ever felt that maybe you are not the person who is seen by the outside world? Have you ever struggled to fulfil the image of how others think you should be? Have you ever had to be the real you secretly, out of sight?

Its a struggle, You start to believe that what you want is because of something that it isn’t, but you don’t know that until you are 58 years old. You play along with things, secretly, because it achieves partial satisfaction. It provides some feeling of reality, the reality inside your head and this struggle becomes a demon that is fought and lost to on a regular basis because it isn’t the reality. The reality turns out to be something else, something hinted at by one of your lucid moments of reasoning that you put to one side as being faintly ridiculous.

However, you meet somebody who is doing what you thought you wanted and it turns out you don’t want it after all, but you do want something akin to it and so you start to dip your toe in the water. You use a medical condition as a starter, the initial excuse for how to begin this process, and you start to feel better about yourself. All those years of introspection , all those self hating moments that have probably lead you to the blackdog that you escaped from only a short while ago, you recognise now as being a waste. And you vow to not waste any more time, any more life, and you burn some bridges so there is no going back…………….except for the one bridge that matters, you just cant find the courage to demolish that bridge. It involves the one person you truly care about, and this bridge is the one that might allow return of blackdog.

Because you’ve been blaming blackdog on Aspbergers , on OCD, on lack of success, on lack of money, on lack of friendships, but in fact its lack of being oneself.

Its so good to be oneself, no matter what others might say or do, no matter how they judge you, and to walk proud and tall and look people in the eye brings changes to ones own character that have not been forseen. Such as feeling the opposite of how one expected to feel.

I cant go into , don’t want to go into detail , suffice it to say that mental health runs parallel to physical well being, that the image one sees in the mirror must reflect how one feels one looks or the two don’t marry. Let me just say that I may be two people, at least, and that now that sometimes I marry the two into one visual image, brings such a feeling of relief, release and confidence.

Blackdog, chained up in the kennel, always there, close, on the edge, yapping in the mist, but seemingly constrained.

(the above is a proposed statement in relation to an exhibition of artworks of a mental health group.

Love all, Hurt none and Walk in Soft Shoes

Isi Tart


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