The Compexity of Guilt

Ive been thinking. All these pains etc. that Ive been suffering since Agnes suffered her own catastrophe and being a believer in holistic health I think Ive worked it out. Ive had similar issues in the past, where my mind affected my health. I used to have such pains in the groin, even had operations to correct a hernia which turned out wasnt there at all……………then they made me redundant and my health improved overnight. This is similar. I just had a conversation with my son about it, and he sort of agreed. Its guilt.

Guilt because I feel that to leave Agnes alone for any length of time, in her current health condition, isnt good, Guilt because I cant see as much of my Mum as I think I should, what with her ageing rapidly. Guilt because of the time spent with the two women in my life I have no time or energy for the studio. Guilt because its costing me money I dont really have. Guilt because my son only has his daughter one weekend in two which means Agnes has no time for me and I have to wait another week to try to persuade her to go the coast for a day or even a weekend. Guilt because the dog looks at me so trustingly and I only see yet another excuse for Agnes to not do anything.

And just a little despair in that Agnes has just gone back to the woman she was before her catastrophe, like she has learned nothing. Absolutely nothing. And the house is getting untidy again, so there is more guilt because Ive allowed this to happen as I dont want confrontation. I cooked sunday lunch yesterday, I wasnt in a fit state, but the t hought of how the kitchen would look after she had cooked was too much to bare. So there is more guilt.

Its all about guilt, and im not even a catholic !!

Ok, so now I know what this probably is, what do I do about it? My son says I need to get away for a weekend, but thats not so easy. He apparently has suggested it to Agnes but she has brought a zillion negatives up to him, just as she does to me…….so at least I k now its not just me. He even offered to drive us there, be a threesome, (what a wonderful son he is) but she still found reasons not to go, and actually, if he did that I would feel guilt that his time was being spent on us when he could be nurturing his relationship with his girlfriend.

So much guilt.

And I thought that finally being brave enough to wear non-bifurcated garments, as it makes me feel so much better than trousers, had sorted me out mentally then this came along. And even that has brought up other issues………my art……… seems it was all about the male skirt, but now that its done, out in the public domain, Im bereft of ideas/motivations.

aaaagh…………….im sure life wasnt meant to be this complicated.

Love all, hurt none and walk in soft shoes

Isi Tart


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