I just read Somebody elses blog on their relationship with god and prayer. It set me thinking. It set me remembering, actually. Im not sure Ive ever believed in god the way those who do, seem to do. One of my earlist recollections, aged 3 and a half , was my natural father being carried out on a stretcher to an ambulance. He died on route to the hospital i think. He was born with the “hole in the heart” condition which is treatable nowadays. At that time i was regularly going to Sunday school and getting nothing from it. This episode made me stop going. If there is a god, I reasoned, why has this just happened?
Perversely, though, because I was visited by non physical people, especially by an Arabian gentleman, I started thinking I was Jesus and I would regularly stand in a crucifixial position for no particular reason. I knew this was daft, and yet………………maybe it was a symptom of the social programming . My paternal gran, a crossdressing lesbian, was also a catholic………in fact in those days Im assuming most of Nuneaton was catholic as the town was infested with nuns, hence the name of the town changing from Etone to NunsEatone and gradually to Nuneaton, but im sure my extended family were deep into it…………Im told I had an aunt who died fairly young and who suffered stigmata every good friday. My dads sister though was, and still is , atheist, despite sending her son to the local catholic school in Stoke Golding………arent people weird?
Anyway, back to me.
I prayed lots, even though i didnt believe, which i think shows desperation (i seem to have forgotten the capital letter for I, god forgive me). I prayed for it to snow so I wouldnt have to go swimming lessons at school. I prayed it would snow so I wouldnt have to go gym class at school, for instance. Later I prayed for a girlfriend. I prayed to be rich……………as you might have guessed. non of these things happened. It never snowed as much as was needed on that particular day, so I would forge an excuse letter. I got pretty good at that, and please dont tell me that was Gods plan, to make me a calligrapher, cos that didnt work either, or maybe I should have been a forger, but I cant see why god would want that.
In the end, having gone through the death of a freind, and cutting another long story short, I became President of Hinckley National Spiritualist Church, where I was expected to lead prayers………and I found myself thinking this is nonsense, so I started leading them into meditations instead of prayer, and some of them didnt like that, they were still hung up on Our Lord…………..so I left.
I still dont pray. Its pointless. I used to ask the universe for what I needed. Then I realised that actually you have to tell the universe what you want. But decide what it is you want, really truly, as the thoughts you have are the prayers you dont know youre saying. In my case, because I refuse to pay back the student loan the universe makes sure i cant by keeping me poor. I want to be rich, or at least very comfortably off and not struggling to make ends meet, but because the only way to not pay back the student loan is to ensure Im poor. So I am.
there is that saying, be careful what you wish for, well you also have to be careful what you think as it gets misinterpreted. As for any god, well, I do think there was a point of creation, rather than evolution, but that evolution came after that and that because there is so much complexity to the world of nature there must be an intelligence behind it. But not the all powerful intelligence people think of. Its more that the universe machine was created and its cogs turn and sometimes they have a hiccup and things go wrong and that the reason this god person doesnt fix it is because this god person simply doesnt care. It has moved on, believing that this machine will ultimately do enough. It does do just enough. It could do more for each of us if we just knew how to work it..
Love all, hurt none, and walk in soft shoes.