I recall discovering the tv show of that name years ago whilst my eldest was at uni down at High Wycombe. I told him about it, and the rest is history. A fabulous show. Except it demonstrates how I lack the qualities needed for friendships. Likewise the newest incarnation of Friends, which is called The Big Bang Theory. And likewise it too demonstrates my lack of qualities. In this show it is made even worse by the fact that an obnoxious talent such as Sheldon Cooper can get and keep friends and even, eventually, a girlfriend.

I have all the qualities of a loyal puppy, plus the idiosyncrasies (albeit in lower doses) of Sheldon and yet I still manage to not make it in the friends world. I speak the truth, just like Sheldon and he gets away with it, whereas , it seems, those who briefly inhabit my friend list get all upset and therefore dont value the honesty that they say they do.

My longest serving (in recent terms) friend, since circa 1996, is now silent and uncontactable, ostensibly because of her husband, but maybe not. I mean, surely, if the friendship is valued a way would be found. But it hasnt been found. I suspect it hasnt even been looked for. I suspect I dont need to buy that particular christmas card this year. So sad.

But what doesnt kill you apparently makes you strong, so Im guessing Im stronger on my own. Maybe this is preparation for later years, post employment, getting used to my own company.

The universe neednt have bothered though, as Im really comfortable in my own company. I hardly ever argue with myself and if I do I never bare a grudge with me. The silences I have with myself are not awkward at all and in fact I embrace them. I let myself read, or watch tv, or listen to radio or go out or whatever without restriction. I rather like myself most of the time.

I have to admit I do go through periods when I hate myself and thats a dangerous time for me as I seek ways of hurting myself through other people (which , thinking about it, may also make concrete my thoughts on other people not liking me. If they liked me, they would  not consider hurting me). But thankfully, those times are getting less, or fewer, not sure on the grammar.

So, here I am, on the edge of the dangerous world. And I know the cure, but I keep finding reasons to perpetuate this. I just need to stop being procrastinatory, take my drill to the studio, make the canvas stretcher, attach the canvas, make art. Im either too lazy or too afraid of failure. I dont know.

Maybe thats the key to my lack of friendship, I dont know. Answers on a postcard please.

Love all, hurt none and walk in soft shoes


Isi Tart


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