Im feeling very………..erm, very………..not sure how to describe it really, not depressed but akin to it. Im not hating life at the moment, Im just hating myself. Why? I hear you ask. I often ask myself this same question. It seems to by cyclical, coming and going but Im not sure of any timeline pattern to it. If I did I might be able to control it. This is the worst its ever been though. The real issue though, is not what causes it but what could cure it, and I only discovered this accidentally.

When I first discovered a genius on facebook who was also a herbalist and mentioned my hair loss it was suggested I try this batch of gloop on my hair and , wow, it started to work! My hair started reappearing! (imagine image of new hair growth here as I cant find any on my laptop). But more than that my personality changed………..for the better………..I became cool,calm, not at all irritable and people noticed. My Mum commented on it. It was lovely. It was like my brain was floating in warm milk and I found, perhaps for the first time ever, that I liked myself. That was a new sensation……I LIKED myself…….

Then the shampoo ran out and I had to buy some more and this time there was no effect.I had got used to its effects and the old me slowly returned. But this new, old, me is just horrible. So short tempered with everyone. I know Im not anywhere being clever, but it sems to me that so many people are just stupid and I find it so hard to tolerate at the moment. And thats just the stuff Im admitting to. There is also the desire to self harm…..but remember, Im not admitting to that or to the way I might do it. Just so you know.

So , what a to do……..what to do? The best thing would be to find a way of mentally coping and changing, but so far, after all these years, Im yet to find a methon. The other thing would be to find that magic potion and admit that there is some sort of chemical imbalance that needs sorting out. I read, having been told before, that eostrogen is produced by males as well as testosterone. We know that an overload of testosterone causes bad temper in men, often bodybuilders who use steriods get really bad tempered, so maybe thats whats happening. Perhaps I need to restore the eostrogen/testosterone imbalance . Maybe im too male at the moment, although that wouldnt explain the method of self harming that gets into my head, but still………..its my only explanation, that and the fact that I havent had my art therapy in a while, i.e., not been in studio.

Love all, hurt none and walk in soft shoes

Isi Tart

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